Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
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Hey Fugeddaboutit
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
What the hell happened in there??
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”