why isn’t thunder called soundning
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Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”