Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
You Might Also Like
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best