Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
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Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”