Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
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West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which