why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
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Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.