“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
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I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
This kinda thing happens to me often
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.