Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
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*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
#Caturday
a fate I wish upon no one