Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
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Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
this country is so goddamn polarized
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
My love language is deader than Latin
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.