Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?

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To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.


At least dogs look at you when you’re talking with them as if to say, hell yeah I’d talk to you, but I’m a dog.


Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.


Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)

How about your kid?


I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.


[on phone]

Of course I trust you, babe. Always.

*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*


Thesaurus was the first dinosaur to get murdered. No one likes a know it all.


I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.


I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours


I can never remember if it’s “laying” or “lying.”

Anyway, I hit a dude with my car and he’s doing one of them in the middle of the road. 🙁