Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
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I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.