Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
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Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
For anyone who needs this today
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy