ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
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🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
very niche meme I made
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Holy crap this is wonderful
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.