@living_marble

Why must the weapons in Clue be so mundane? It’s an imaginary murder. Why not a teapot full of bees, a laser gun, a poem so beautiful it kills?

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@Donna_McCoy

*gains winter weight for “insulation”

*is now fat and cold

@truegritrumble

ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.

@roostermustache

Me: i’ll have a beer

Bartender: ok it’s on the house buddy

Me:*grabbing him by collar* then get it down, i’m not climbing up there again

@WilliamAder

If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.

@weinerdog4life

I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.

@hazelmotes1

Dating tip: if you want a girl to hold you tight, start pushing her off a cliff.

@Mom_Overboard

Women are scary.

Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.