@Donna_McCoy
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
@living_marble
Why must the weapons in Clue be so mundane? It’s an imaginary murder. Why not a teapot full of bees, a laser gun, a poem so beautiful it kills?
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@Donna_McCoy
@ReaIlyHighGuy
The sun is a star. So technically it’s night all the time.
@truegritrumble
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
@roostermustache
Me: i’ll have a beer
Bartender: ok it’s on the house buddy
Me:*grabbing him by collar* then get it down, i’m not climbing up there again
@WilliamAder
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
@better_off_dad2
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
@weinerdog4life
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
@VerifiedDrunk
I put the ‘fun’ in functional alcoholic.
@hazelmotes1
Dating tip: if you want a girl to hold you tight, start pushing her off a cliff.
@Mom_Overboard
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.