When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
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[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
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