Why must the weapons in Clue be so mundane? It’s an imaginary murder. Why not a teapot full of bees, a laser gun, a poem so beautiful it kills?

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*gains winter weight for “insulation”

*is now fat and cold


ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.


Me: i’ll have a beer

Bartender: ok it’s on the house buddy

Me:*grabbing him by collar* then get it down, i’m not climbing up there again


If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.


I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.


Dating tip: if you want a girl to hold you tight, start pushing her off a cliff.


Women are scary.

Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.