I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Why must the weapons in Clue be so mundane? It’s an imaginary murder. Why not a teapot full of bees, a laser gun, a poem so beautiful it kills?
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Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
At 17, Joan of Arc led the French to victory and I just looked for my phone while talking on it.
*pronounces fake like saké*
“I think that kid’s a robot”
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.