@living_marble

Why must the weapons in Clue be so mundane? It’s an imaginary murder. Why not a teapot full of bees, a laser gun, a poem so beautiful it kills?

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@Tdf41

I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.

@AnnietheNanny1

Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.

@SamGrittner

Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!

@bridger_w

Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair

@Y2SHAF

why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this

@Sassafrantz

At 17, Joan of Arc led the French to victory and I just looked for my phone while talking on it.

@noog

“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”

@Boleyngirly

My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”

@robdelaney

My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.