Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
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[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.