I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
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Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
i prefer mine room temperature.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Grandmother clock.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman