Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
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Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0