Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
You Might Also Like
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!