Go girl power!
You Might Also Like
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.