@lacybronze1

Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me

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@lyric_intent

The most awkward part of being the first person to write something down, was then explaining to everyone that they were now illiterate

@TheSofiya

which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills

@_Tempo11

I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.

@3sunzzz

My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.

@kumailn

“Kumail.
Kumail.
K. U. M.
No. M.
Just write Jason.”

– me right after ordering coffee

@T_Bonezzz_

Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman

@dave_cactus

DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.

@someonesmomma

You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.

@murrman5

[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*