Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me

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The most awkward part of being the first person to write something down, was then explaining to everyone that they were now illiterate


which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills


I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.


My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.


K. U. M.
No. M.
Just write Jason.”

– me right after ordering coffee


Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman


DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.


You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.


[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*