Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
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My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
My sex drive has a dui
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*