Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
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Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.