Why on earth would I start making good decisions now?

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People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”


“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”


paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?

[from back of the room]: twitter


God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.

Angel: What do you call it?

God: A toddler.


God: Done

Angel: you can’t be finished

God: I am

Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-

God: aaand send


If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.


Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.


“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”

– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.


some girls have will power to get up an hour early for class to contour and sometimes I wonder if a shower is worth losing 20 mins of sleep


[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before