Why on earth would I start making good decisions now?

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Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?

God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.

Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.


ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?


A fun game to play when you’re lonely is “passing the ball from your imaginary husband to your imaginary child”


* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me

“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”


Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid


If I had a twin that was like 5 mins younger than me I would always say ‘when I was your age’ and proceed to tell them what I did 5 mins ago


You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…

No matter what the store manager says.


They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”