Why on earth would I start making good decisions now?

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Judge: has the jury reached a verdict
Jury: yes your honor
Judge: how do you find the defendant
Jury: guilty


One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush


There are some problems in life that can be solved with chocolate….others require a full clip and a shovel.


6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?


*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*


Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert


I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”


When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”