Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
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Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
same vibe as tangled headphones
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Pretty much. 🤣