@_steamy_mac

Why on earth would I start making good decisions now?

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@fro_vo

Judge: has the jury reached a verdict
Jury: yes your honor
Judge: how do you find the defendant
Jury: guilty
Defendant: SEE YOU IN COURT

@caithuls

One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush

@jdforshort

There are some problems in life that can be solved with chocolate….others require a full clip and a shovel.

@DadInUtah

6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?

@dave_cactus

*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*

@KimmyMonte

Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert

@LaComtesseJamie

I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”

@Rollinintheseat

When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”