The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
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Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
the chicken was already gone when I got here
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
How can I say no to this ?
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit