Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?

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surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*


Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.

Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.


Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.


So I’m still newish around here…

What are the rules about Canadians? Does everybody get one? Do I get to choose? Where do I sign up?


the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together


Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.


Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.


Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.


BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired