@Angel_150913

Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?

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@JB4Realz

surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*

@daddydoubts

Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.

Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.

@Phoebetate

So I’m still newish around here…

What are the rules about Canadians? Does everybody get one? Do I get to choose? Where do I sign up?

@5tevieM

the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together

@amishschool

Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.

@geowizzacist

Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.

@TheNaique

Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.

@Holy_Mowgli

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired