Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
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A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
“and how does that make you feel?”
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.