why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
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Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.