@huntigula

why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free

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@jergarl

*takes ambien

Oh.

You said NO ambien before dinner at your parents.

Wife: Really?

Me:*already getting naked* I’m sure it will be fine.

@NOTVIKING

on halloween we dress up as skeletons but every other day of the year our skeletons dress up as us

cop: you know you have the right to remain silent right

@KentWGraham

I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.

@GrantTanaka

wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why

@DirtyySouthMess

Me: Pretty sure my life just flashed before my eyes.

Trainer: You only did a single push-up.

Me: Call my mother and tell her I love her.

@jnrbtsn

Hell hath no fury like a girl tagged in an unapproved pic on Facebook.

@DannyZuker

My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.

@McKelvie

How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are

@House_Feminist

I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies