@huntigula

why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free

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@Burger_Time_

Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.

@meganamram

I don’t need to watch the debates, I read a bumper sticker the other day that totally convinced me

@hoedeehoe

(1st day in heaven)

Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators

@stephenjmolloy

[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.

@kiwigarza

Apparently “the vibes are off” isn’t a good excuse to leave work early

@Izianikapani

“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.

@VeryRudeTweets

I just got kicked out of my local Laser Tag and the police were called. Apparently stabbing somebody to save ammo is not allowed.