why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
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I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Am I having a stroke?
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.