Cop: I’ll ask you one last time did you or did you not see the stop sign back there?
Ace of Base: *starts sweating*
Why periods? Why can’t mother nature just tweet me and be like “Waddup girl. You ain’t pregnant. Have a great week. Talk to you next month”
You Might Also Like
Don’t do drugs kids. Give that shit to your parents. They’ve had a long day.
My blood type is coffee.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Superman’s only weakness is the extremely rare Kryptonite that all his enemies have.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
It’s almost Christmas, which means it’s almost time to hear my parents’ new excuses for why Jennifer Lawrence isn’t under the tree again.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.