“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
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THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Omg 🤣
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Always
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.