@lovemydogduck

Why periods? Why can’t mother nature just tweet me and be like “Waddup girl. You ain’t pregnant. Have a great week. Talk to you next month”

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@NewDadNotes

Cop: I’ll ask you one last time did you or did you not see the stop sign back there?

Ace of Base: *starts sweating*

@DaddyJew

Don’t do drugs kids. Give that shit to your parents. They’ve had a long day.

@Lhlodder

Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?

Me: My bladder mostly.

@NoogsCorner

Superman’s only weakness is the extremely rare Kryptonite that all his enemies have.

@CHofferCBus

My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.

Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.

Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.

Me: I did not.

Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.

Me: I’m not feeding you.

Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.

@valerie_tosi

The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”

@jwoodham

It’s almost Christmas, which means it’s almost time to hear my parents’ new excuses for why Jennifer Lawrence isn’t under the tree again.

@alexlumaga

God: How’s it going on Earth

Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream

God: Send a flood. Send several floods

@WilliamAder

Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.