Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?

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I miss being a kid and playing cowboys and Indians. Now whenever I chase people around with a tomahawk I get arrested.


My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.


COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on


[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles


Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%


I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.


Arguing with religious people is like trying to explain quantum mechanics to a potato.


“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”


[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]

COACH: you idiots *melts*