Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
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cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Battery falling down a hole
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks