“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
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Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
never compromise your values
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
who will stop them
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant