Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
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My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
I love the National Park Service.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates