Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”

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BELLE: There goes the baker with his tray like always
BAKER: well there goes Belle, singing her DAILY MEAN SONG about us


This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.


[preppin for rap battle]
*pops retainer out*
dont wanna give him any ammunition
*takes off suspenders*
that should do it
*rollerblades away*


If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.


Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.


God is like Justin Bieber. I have nothing against him personally, but his fan club is super annoying.


Y’all know you can literally buy a turkey any time of the year right? Because I’m starting to think some of you don’t.


Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.


“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”


When you have “very happily married” in your bio, we read that as “DM me about my other secret account ’cause my spouse watches this one.”