@theshantilly

Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”

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@DanaSchwartzzz

BELLE: There goes the baker with his tray like always
BAKER: well there goes Belle, singing her DAILY MEAN SONG about us

@Just__J0

This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.

@hippieswordfish

[preppin for rap battle]
*pops retainer out*
dont wanna give him any ammunition
*takes off suspenders*
that should do it
*rollerblades away*

@MomofTeen

If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.

@JasonLastname

Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.

@shariv67

God is like Justin Bieber. I have nothing against him personally, but his fan club is super annoying.

@freefanaddict

Y’all know you can literally buy a turkey any time of the year right? Because I’m starting to think some of you don’t.

@Jeffwni

Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.

@Nickadoo

“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”

@SteelFontana

When you have “very happily married” in your bio, we read that as “DM me about my other secret account ’cause my spouse watches this one.”