Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.

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Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?

Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.


Watching a cooking show and the host said you can use leftover beer to make battered chicken wings. What the hell is leftover beer?


Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.


I often agree to let my kids sleep over at other people’s houses, just to remind parents that there are kids who are way worse than theirs.


If a bear approaches you, give up and let him eat you. He’s adorable and humans are overpopulated, take one for the team


[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit


Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.


What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?


Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.


My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”


Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”