Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
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hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.