@Jackson5toLife

Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.

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@BoomBoomBetty

Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?

Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.

@EtobicokeErnie

Watching a cooking show and the host said you can use leftover beer to make battered chicken wings. What the hell is leftover beer?

@WarrenHolstein

Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.

@DistractedMomma

I often agree to let my kids sleep over at other people’s houses, just to remind parents that there are kids who are way worse than theirs.

@Home_Halfway

If a bear approaches you, give up and let him eat you. He’s adorable and humans are overpopulated, take one for the team

@matt___nelson

[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit

@ChaseMit

Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.

@CindyMeakin

What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?

Gloves!

Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.

@LOLrakshak

My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”

@UnFitz

Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”