Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
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Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
May never get over this
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish