@Crutnacker

Why Seth MacFarlane’s Oscars were mean spirited and misogynistic, coming up next after our review of the worst dressed women.

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@BigFatNothing

A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?

@chestrovert

If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.

Because manors.

@notalogin

We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.

@Tarrigan

Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.

@BigBagOfScum

And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.

Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.

@MehrangizC

*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*

@markydoodoo

AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat

BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*

@tommygunz07

Hugh Hefner lived so long that his first wife’s name was Mildred and his last wife’s name was Crystal.