That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
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1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
I’m not lazy
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
my one true gender
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do