@danadonly

Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?

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@TheIronSherk

Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall

@buhsbaby_baby

Spiderman ruined romance for me. Please don’t even think of kissing me unless you’re hanging upside down from a building.

@Brampersandon_

BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*

@zannah

This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.

@SteveSackington

For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.

#topahole

@delusions_of

Anytime I lift my leg higher than 3 inches I yell “KARATE!”.

@Vodkantots

So do people not like it when you tell them they could totally do better after meeting their spouse?

Flattery is hard.

@SamuelHLowe

– What do you do to relax?
– I enjoy people watching.
– The most relaxing thing for me is singing in the shower.
– I know.

@crocodilethumbs

[christmas dinner]

me:

extended family member:

me:

extended family member:

me: