Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?

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Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall


Spiderman ruined romance for me. Please don’t even think of kissing me unless you’re hanging upside down from a building.


BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*


This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.


For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.



Anytime I lift my leg higher than 3 inches I yell “KARATE!”.


So do people not like it when you tell them they could totally do better after meeting their spouse?

Flattery is hard.


– What do you do to relax?
– I enjoy people watching.
– The most relaxing thing for me is singing in the shower.
– I know.


[christmas dinner]


extended family member:


extended family member: