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@cellapaz

vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes

@NewDadNotes

Wife: our toddler just hit me.

Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.

[later]

Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-

Daughter: I’m sorry.

Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.

@shannon2703

Hey guys wanna watch a girl feel herself up? Hide her cell phone.

@Playing_Dad

6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.

“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!

@EmissaryKerry

You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.

@nyquills

Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.

Me: i thought it was three?

Genie: taxes.

@Mr_Kapowski

My only goal when getting ready to go out in public is to make sure a teenager doesn’t take a discreet picture of my outfit and meme me

@Jake_Vig

THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.

ME: As planned.

@_stylr

Me: Time for sleep.
Brain: Finish this episode.
Me: Ok, but then I’m going to sleep.
Brain: Check Twitter.
Me: Fine, but that’s it. I’m going to sleep now.
Brain: Why didn’t you ever ask out Anna in 9th grade? Imagine how different your life could be.
Me: I’ll make coffee.

@mommajessiec

Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*

Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*

Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*