vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
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Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Hey guys wanna watch a girl feel herself up? Hide her cell phone.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
My only goal when getting ready to go out in public is to make sure a teenager doesn’t take a discreet picture of my outfit and meme me
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Me: Time for sleep.
Brain: Finish this episode.
Me: Ok, but then I’m going to sleep.
Brain: Check Twitter.
Me: Fine, but that’s it. I’m going to sleep now.
Brain: Why didn’t you ever ask out Anna in 9th grade? Imagine how different your life could be.
Me: I’ll make coffee.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*
Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*
Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*