Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
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Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao