Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser

WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.

ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??

Divorce… The most common home improvement project.

People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.

Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British

My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.

She has spoken more words today than I did in December.

dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor

Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late

Spider’s wife: what took so long?

Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout

Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again

Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure

After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.

WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.

ME: “Your”

We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.

Seriously why do people do this to themselves?

Friend: any plans for the fall?

Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?

It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.

Me: I’m nervous about this interview

Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions

Me: That’s a good idea

Interviewer: It is a good idea

If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine

ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work

WIFE: Why

ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom

WIFE: so kill it

ME:[whispering] its got my gun

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”

i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.

Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.

BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.

Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.

[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*

My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.

Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.

centipede: *trips*

*but for like, an hour*

Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.

Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.