Why spacing is important.

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the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions


[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?


Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?


In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.


“you look nice” – sweet potato
“im so high” – baked potato
“you suck!” – roast potato
“what have I done” – guy who made talking potatoes


Wife just instructed me on the best way to trim my beard.
So now I’m explaining to her the proper way to change a tampon.


Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.


[Running into a friend]

FRIEND: Hey it’s good to see you! We should get together soon!

ME: Totally!

FRIEND: How about Friday?

ME: Yeah let’s do it soon

FRIEND: Right, like Friday?

ME: Take care!

FRIEND: So, Friday?

ME: *grabs their collar* Stop trying to make this happen


I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.

We all have family for that..