Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
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i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.