@pleatedjeans

Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?

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@HomeProbably

If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.

@LydiaMizon

Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.

Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.

day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me

@Gooooats

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Also, this is America so they all have guns.

@squirrel74wkgn

My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.

@DothTheDoth

Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.

@POTerritory

I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”

@Bob_Heller

Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”

@RealChrisCal

Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare

A) Re-open the park

B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park