Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
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If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry