If you run into someone you know and they say “we should hang out sometime” just say “I’m ready to hang out right now” and watch them panic
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
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GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
ME: hey dad will ya pass the peas
DAD: say please
ME: hey dad will ya pass the please
DAD: *tears up so hard*
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Two drivers crash into each other. They both finish writing their texts before getting out of their cars to inspect the damage
Taken 9 (2021): She got married she’s with her husband relax man
My neighbour has diabetes and now she won’t make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things always happen to me.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Always carry $10,000 cash on you at all times in case you ever feeling like getting a meal at an airport.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*