Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
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Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
i smell a pulitzer
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.