Why stop with two L’s Lloyd? why?

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For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.


Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?


Hey boy, are you a fitted sheet? Because you’re complicated as hell and hard to manage, but I definitely want you on this mattress.


[on a 1st date]

Me: I’m just looking to take things slow

Her: *in a wedding dress* me too


*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME


*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…


Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack


ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!

METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?