british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
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my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
wait.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.