Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
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The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.