@gramnoc

Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn

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@kelownagoose

Fun game:

Select all of your Snapchat contacts and send them a text that says…

“Wow…Are you sure that was for me?”

And wait.

@EJGomez

when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”

@ThisOneSayz

Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.

@WilliamRodgers

My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…

58 seconds…

58 whole seconds…

Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”

…where was that attitude on our wedding night???

@iGreenMonk

Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

@envydatropic

A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.

Which one of you was it?

@JustDontBugMe

Pizza: *screaming* BUT DOES ANYONE CARE WHAT I’D LIKE TO HAVE ON TOP OF ME!?

@ermahgarton

MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point