Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
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[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.