When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
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am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.