why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
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I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.