@sixfootcandy

Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.

– My husband

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@junejuly12

“Settle in, get comfy, hope your phone is fully charged and you have snacks”

Translated from “be with you shortly”

@KimmyMonte

I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?

@DanaSchwartzzz

*to the tune of Losing My Religion*
That’s me in the corner
That’s me at the cheese plate
Eating all your crackers

@adult_keverage

“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”

Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.

@ashmensch

This lady at the Edible Arrangement store acts like no one’s ever asked for a corn dog bouquet before.

@TheBoydP

Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:

6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey

@Mattmateee

remember at school when you pretended to be interested in a teachers social life just to waste time in lessons

@TheToddWilliams

[grocery store]

CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident

ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”

CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…

ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”

@robin_991

hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”

… when can I look forward to that starting?