Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
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dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue