Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
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My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Peter Parker Peter Driver
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge